Ahhh. Familiar shoes.
[Interesting world familiar. It looks like it's a cousin of 'family'. What could be more familiar than family?]
Sitting in Jerusalem, feeling not very threatened at all by the war up north. Have to keep in mind what's a-brewin' so as to keep myself praying for our soldiers and our nation. Spent last week in the States, amazed by how much coverage our tussle gets. I wonder if they know why they pay so much attention to what goes on here. They probably think it's the oil. I think that there's a collective awareness, usually subconscious, that Israel is extra-historic. It's beyond history, beyond reason. People sense that what's happening here is the most important thing that could possibly be happening; they intuitively know that this is the center of the world.
So here I am returning to writing on these pages. What drew me back? A drive to write. I haven't been writing at all. Somehow this here blank screen gives me a push of motivation. It would be better if I wrote without the drive of people seeing what I write, but I don't think I'm there right now. I need something to write on up against.
Got a call about two months back that I have to leave my apartment, and with all the strings cut loose and the options open turned around and around and decided to head on out to Bat Ayin, this time for a longer stint. I'm refurbishing an old caravan there. The whole project called out my latent love for design, and I've been rolling around loving the sketching and measuring and plotting and getting re-acquainted with a pattern language and all this for a little caravan. I may have gone overboard. It's two more weeks to moving day and today I was out there watching all of the spackling and painting and drilling and admiring the new big hole that's been knocked in the wall for the window.
I'm looking forward to being out in nature, and I'm looking forward to being ten feet from the Beit Midrash, and I'm hoping that we'll be able to put together a fire burning presence of God group of wily holy geniuses out there to set the place alight.
God Speed and Good Grace to all the readers. Stay strong.
24 July 2006
14 June 2006
The Graveyard
Interesting that old blogs don't get buried, it seems. They lay neglected in their latest forms as monuments to the life they once had. Sad, really. I bounce back to blogs that used to be alive periodically, just to see if anyone has posted a last waltz...another last waltz.
I've had ideas for writing here, but it feels like the age has past.
Strange this thing.
I'm not sure why I came in, and I'm not sure why I'm leaving.
I've had ideas for writing here, but it feels like the age has past.
Strange this thing.
I'm not sure why I came in, and I'm not sure why I'm leaving.
17 April 2006
Who Knows Ten?
Ten years ago this Pesach - the first time I'm away from home for Pesach. In school. A cute red-head who has an Israeli flag on her ceiling arranges places for the two of us for seder at the Hillel house. She bails out; I wander in to the Chabad house, thinking it must be the right place - cuz' that's where the Jews are at. As we get up to wash our hands, one of the fellows in black asks my name and on the spot tells me that my name has numerical value 32, and there are 32 paths of wisdom in Jewish mysticism.
Jewish Mysticism?
Next semester I'm in a course titled 'Jewish Mysticism.' Fear and trembling in the student union. Hooked in by a midrash. Learning about the Chassidei Ashkenaz in the tender pre-dawn hours of morning and putting away my cigarettes, for good.
Nine years ago Pesach is the last time I made seder at my parent's house.
Eight years ago Pesach - having given up a host of other vices, cleaning for Pesach, clean out the treif along with chametz.
Seven years ago Pesach - in a kosher apartment. Cleaning for Pesach almost cleans me out - exhausted. Make seder for my family (and friends).
Six years ago, before Pesach - in the holy land. I'm asking whether I should be keeping one day or two. "You have to make the decision - where are you? Are you a Ben Eretz Yisrael, or a Ben Hu"L?" I wrestle. I visit Florida. It's clear. I keep one day.
Five years ago Pesach - still in Yeshiva.
Four years ago Pesach - I'm in Israel, working for a living, staying in Israel in spite of it all. I hear a bomb explode on the second day.
Three years ago Pesach - I'm in my own apartment. The holy rolling MCA is there. Friends crash out on the couches. We pray sunrise at the Kotel.
Two years ago Pesach - in my apartment in Israel. My parents come to stay. We clean, make Pesach together, eat off of plastic plates.
One year ago Pesach - we drink the fifth cup.
And this year? And this year?
May it be a redemption for us all.
Jewish Mysticism?
Next semester I'm in a course titled 'Jewish Mysticism.' Fear and trembling in the student union. Hooked in by a midrash. Learning about the Chassidei Ashkenaz in the tender pre-dawn hours of morning and putting away my cigarettes, for good.
Nine years ago Pesach is the last time I made seder at my parent's house.
Eight years ago Pesach - having given up a host of other vices, cleaning for Pesach, clean out the treif along with chametz.
Seven years ago Pesach - in a kosher apartment. Cleaning for Pesach almost cleans me out - exhausted. Make seder for my family (and friends).
Six years ago, before Pesach - in the holy land. I'm asking whether I should be keeping one day or two. "You have to make the decision - where are you? Are you a Ben Eretz Yisrael, or a Ben Hu"L?" I wrestle. I visit Florida. It's clear. I keep one day.
Five years ago Pesach - still in Yeshiva.
Four years ago Pesach - I'm in Israel, working for a living, staying in Israel in spite of it all. I hear a bomb explode on the second day.
Three years ago Pesach - I'm in my own apartment. The holy rolling MCA is there. Friends crash out on the couches. We pray sunrise at the Kotel.
Two years ago Pesach - in my apartment in Israel. My parents come to stay. We clean, make Pesach together, eat off of plastic plates.
One year ago Pesach - we drink the fifth cup.
And this year? And this year?
May it be a redemption for us all.
06 April 2006
What is your Passion?
When my father counsels people about their career choices, he asks them, "What's your Passion?"
It's a deep, deep question.
I'm busy wrestling with the distinct feeling that I'm compromising on my life. That I am not shooting for the great, but settling for what is merely good. The ironic, and terrible, part of it all is - I have no idea what the great is. I don't really know what I want to do.
So I'm chewing on this. What is my passion? How is it that a person can not even know what their passion is, what it is they care about, enjoy? But I'll give myself a little bit of forebearence as I admit that I really don't know.
I'm praying that God breathes some life and vision into this soul, and puts some real flesh on these dry bones.
Hey now Momma, I got no idea, but that won't stop from rollin' along and prayin' for light and life and lessons in love, love and dancing and drumming on the walls of the heart, land, country! God!
So what is your passion?
It's a deep, deep question.
I'm busy wrestling with the distinct feeling that I'm compromising on my life. That I am not shooting for the great, but settling for what is merely good. The ironic, and terrible, part of it all is - I have no idea what the great is. I don't really know what I want to do.
So I'm chewing on this. What is my passion? How is it that a person can not even know what their passion is, what it is they care about, enjoy? But I'll give myself a little bit of forebearence as I admit that I really don't know.
I'm praying that God breathes some life and vision into this soul, and puts some real flesh on these dry bones.
Hey now Momma, I got no idea, but that won't stop from rollin' along and prayin' for light and life and lessons in love, love and dancing and drumming on the walls of the heart, land, country! God!
So what is your passion?
30 March 2006
Passing Over
Passover cometh, what with all of us in need of freedom - freedom of soul, freedom of body - freedom from thinking that we are already free.
The Ba'al Shem Tov talks about darkness within darkness, where it's so dark, you don't even know it's dark - you think it's broad daylight.
Awareness that we get trapped by our situations, our preconceptions, our very framework of understanding - this awareness arouses the taste for freedom, the desire for freedom.
It's all about wanting it.
If you don't want it, you can at least WANT to want it, and if that fails (R' Simcha Bunem tells us) you can WANT to WANT to want it.
May we all be blessed to come on out of slavery - to WANT freedom - to hang on to the life line that God throws us this month and get pulled on out of all of our traps and masters - physical, mental and emotional.
May it be his will...
The Ba'al Shem Tov talks about darkness within darkness, where it's so dark, you don't even know it's dark - you think it's broad daylight.
Awareness that we get trapped by our situations, our preconceptions, our very framework of understanding - this awareness arouses the taste for freedom, the desire for freedom.
It's all about wanting it.
If you don't want it, you can at least WANT to want it, and if that fails (R' Simcha Bunem tells us) you can WANT to WANT to want it.
May we all be blessed to come on out of slavery - to WANT freedom - to hang on to the life line that God throws us this month and get pulled on out of all of our traps and masters - physical, mental and emotional.
May it be his will...
11 March 2006
Walking with the Maggid
A childhood acquaintance of Rav Dov Ber, the Great Maggid of Mezeritch, once approached him with a question.
"Dov Ber", he began, with no honorific, "why do you daven for so long? I mean, you take forever to daven. I also daven with the mystical intentions of the Arizal. Does it take me that long to daven? No. You daven forever! What's going on?"
The Maggid responded, "You're a businessman, right?"
"Yeah..."
"And you go to the yearly fair in Leipzig, right?"
"Yeah..."
"So let me tell you what to do. This year, when the time for the fair comes, close your eyes, picture yourself loading up the wagon, picture yourself rolling along the roads, coming into the fair, selling what you need to sell and buying what you need to buy, and then picture yourself going home."
"What, are you crazy? I need the merchandise!"
"Ahhh", says the Maggid, "So do I...I need the merchandise."
I've been walking with that story for the past few weeks.
It can be easy for me to let the lessons I learn stay in my head, but never really integrate them. The Maggid says it flat out - your lip service is cute. Are you getting the merchandise?
I declare at least three times a day "God is One!", but do I act like God is one? Do I really believe it? When something doesn't fit my little world, do I get my fool self out of the way and make space for God's reality? Do I have space for God in my life, or do I just have space for the little plastic god that I've carved out for myself, that fits so neatly into its little plastic place?
May we all be blessed to learn the holy teachings with our whole beings, not just with our heads. May we be blessed to walk with the teachings, integrating them into our lives, and may our insides and our outsides be unified.
"Dov Ber", he began, with no honorific, "why do you daven for so long? I mean, you take forever to daven. I also daven with the mystical intentions of the Arizal. Does it take me that long to daven? No. You daven forever! What's going on?"
The Maggid responded, "You're a businessman, right?"
"Yeah..."
"And you go to the yearly fair in Leipzig, right?"
"Yeah..."
"So let me tell you what to do. This year, when the time for the fair comes, close your eyes, picture yourself loading up the wagon, picture yourself rolling along the roads, coming into the fair, selling what you need to sell and buying what you need to buy, and then picture yourself going home."
"What, are you crazy? I need the merchandise!"
"Ahhh", says the Maggid, "So do I...I need the merchandise."
I've been walking with that story for the past few weeks.
It can be easy for me to let the lessons I learn stay in my head, but never really integrate them. The Maggid says it flat out - your lip service is cute. Are you getting the merchandise?
I declare at least three times a day "God is One!", but do I act like God is one? Do I really believe it? When something doesn't fit my little world, do I get my fool self out of the way and make space for God's reality? Do I have space for God in my life, or do I just have space for the little plastic god that I've carved out for myself, that fits so neatly into its little plastic place?
May we all be blessed to learn the holy teachings with our whole beings, not just with our heads. May we be blessed to walk with the teachings, integrating them into our lives, and may our insides and our outsides be unified.
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